


Break Then Fall

by KSQ



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Suicide, Swan Queen - Freeform, regina and emma - Freeform, regina emma, sq ouat - Freeform, swan queen ouat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 09:02:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11940804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSQ/pseuds/KSQ
Summary: Regina finally hits rock bottom after discovering that Emma is engaged to Hook and she confesses her feelings for the blonde.





	1. Break

**Author's Note:**

> Triggering warning of attempted suicide and depression.

She studied the face of her mobile and those emerald eyes once again scanned the area around the docks.

Nothing as yet.

Not a sign of anyone except for the drifting seagulls and the waves lapping onto the sandy shore. The dilapidated houses. The abandoned seafood factory and the high rise moon, even as the sun was still sinking lower into the horizon.

At times, Emma wished that everything would remain peaceful like her surroundings. Like the way there was an absence of danger out in the audience of nature. Where chaos was water eating away a sandy beach. Where leaves detached themselves and drifted away freely as if exploring on their own. The corroded sides of ships from salt water. And above all, the refreshing night wind which caressed her face and hair.

Believing that it would take some time for the inevitable, Swan finally settled onto the wooden bench and she sighed. She sighed because so many things had unfolded within a span of twenty four hours. One after the other, like dominoes, her life had taken a turn for the worst; possibly. And here she was, about to face the brink of a shattering fall, where someone was going to be terribly hurt. Or worst.

Someone was going to walk away without coming back.

Unlocking her phone, she tapped on the WhatsApp icon and found herself gazing at Regina's name above the chat window a little too longer than expected. Her icon had been the same since Robin had died; a sideway capture of the brunette with dark shades on and red lipstick. She had no status because the recent update wouldn't allow it. But since last night, due to the ability of uploading a story, as one would call it, Regina's one photo had been a quote with five words:

**I can't live without you**

Emerald eyes stung, because as much as she hated to admit it, the blonde was struggling to maintain her composure when truthfully, those walls had been shattering since the night before. Since that one message that began with an invitation for them to talk. Because Regina never approached her like that, on a messenger to have a conversation. Never. The brunette would always confront. She would maintain eye contact. And she would get things out in the open boldly.

Not last night.

Emma held her breath as she began to read a bit of the chat again, possibly for the hundredth time.

**Emma:** _You paused when I told you. After you saw the ring… Why?_

**Regina** :  _I couldn't believe it was true._

**Emma:** _But you know that it was going to happen eventually. It's not like we weren't dating for a while, right?_

**Regina:**   _Yes._

**Emma:** _And we started building a future together. I mean, he moved in with me. That was a start._

**Regina** :  _Yes._

**Emma:** _I kind of started to feel like he wanted something permanent as I did._

_That's why I wasn't surprised._

_And when I found the ring, I was convinced that he wanted more._

**Regina** :  _Okay._

**Emma:** _He's so reckless though. He hid it someplace where I found it so easily._

_I literally still can't believe all of this happened. I'm actually engaged._

**Regina** :  _Yes you are._

**Emma:** _You could at least sound a little more excited for me, you know._

_You sound really distant all of a sudden._

_I still don't get why you reacted the way you did today when I showed you the ring._

_It's like you were disappointed._

**Regina** :  _I'm sorry. But I am disappointed._

**Emma:** _Why?_

_Because you think I'm too good for him?_

**Regina:**   _No. Because he finally won._

**Emma:** _What?_

_I don't get it._

_Hey, you there?_

_Regina? I know you're there. It says you're online._

_Regina?_

_Talk to me. Stop ignoring my messages._

**Regina:**   _I'm tired…_

 **Emma:** _Yeah we had a pretty exhausting few days. Maybe you should_   _get some rest._

**Regina** _: I can't sleep._

**Emma:** _Turn off the phone. It'll come eventually_

**Regina:**   _You mean the nightmares will. Of you marrying him._

**Emma:** _What?_

**Regina:**   _I can't hold it inside any longer, Emma._

_I really can't anymore._

_This is becoming too unhealthy for me and I need to confess or else I will mentally damage myself._

**Emma:** _What are you talking about?_

_You're scaring me. What's going on? Are you okay?_

**Regina:**   _No, I'm not, Emma._

_I've been crying for the past three hours._

_I can't sleep._

_It's almost midnight and I can't stop crying._

**Emma:** _Omg. What happened? Is this about Robin? Did he say something to you?_

**Regina:**   _This isn't about Robin. This is about you._

**Emma:** _What about me?_

_Did I do something or say something wrong to you today?_

_I know that I told you to stay back when we went to fight the evil queen._

_But I only wanted to protect you._

_I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings._

**Regina** _**:** _ _I'm not crying because of that._

_I'm crying because of your engagement._

**Emma:** _Is it because you wanted the same with you and Robin?_

_Regina, I'm so sorry._

_I don't see this as something like a victory for me just because I'm here._

_I want the best for you too and I'll make sure that happens._

_I made a promise._

_Please stop crying._

_This is going to work out for you, okay?_

**Regina:**   _No it wouldn't._

**Emma:** _It will!_

_Maybe it's not with Robin._

_But there's someone else out there for you and we'll find him._

_Fuck. I'll find him._

_I hate to see you so sad all the time._

_I'll fix this._

**Regina:**   _Okay._

**Emma:** _I'll fix it. I swear._

_We both need to be happy and I feel so stupid about this now,_

_I just hate myself._

_There I was, showing off my ring when you're hurting inside._

_And I don't think I can forgive myself for this now._

_I know that you're still in love with Robin._

**Regina** _**:** _ _I'm not in love with Robin._

**Emma:** _I know you're going to say that to get over him._

_And I respect that. I totally do._

**Regina** _**:** _ _I really am not in love with Robin._

_You're the one who made me bring him back when I didn't want to._

_I didn't want to bring him back because after he died, I buried his memories._

**Emma:** _But you told me that you needed to find him in that stupid dream world to find answers…_

**Regina** :  _I wanted to somehow forget the way I feel now by just believing that if I heard him say the right things again, then maybe I would stop feeling this way._

_But it didn't work. It will never work and nothing will make me forget this._

_This isn't about him. It was never about him._

**Emma:** _Then why are you crying?_

**Regina** :  _You. Hook._

**Emma:** _I don't get it._

_I'm going to call you._

_Can I call you?_

_I need us to talk about this so I can listen to you explain what's bothering you._

**Regina** _: I can't talk to you right now._

_I'm weak and I'm crying._

**Emma:** _Regina._

_What's going on?_

_Please tell me._

_I want to help._

_I can't stand to sit here and think of you crying._

_I want to help._

**Regina:**   _You will not like the truth._

**Emma:** _Geez. Just tell me already._

_Hey._

_You there? Hellooo._

_Regina, answer me._

_Regina?_

_Hello?_

_If you don't answer me I'm going to come over there._

_I swear._

**Regina:**   _Don't_

**Emma:** _FUCK._

_Thank God._

_Don't do that again._

_You had me so worried._

_It's been half an hour._

_What the hell happened?_

**Regina** _: I took some pills_

**Emma:** _WHAT?!_

_WWHAT PILLS?_

_OMG_

**Regina:**   _To ease the pain of lo_

**Emma:** _WHAT DID YOU TAKE?_

_Im coming over thre right now._

**Regina:**   _to ease t he pain of loving you emmaa a_

She remembered staring at that line for a long time whilst literally feeling her chest become stone cold. The room had become so cold. Her hands had grown cold. And she couldn't breathe. No matter how hard she tried, Emma remembered that she couldn't breathe.

Tears, hot tears slid down her cheeks as she read the rest of the chat, sinking into the bench and feeling as if her heart would explode.

**Emma:** _Regina take deep breaths and stay where you are._

_Im coming there to get you._

_Please answer my call I'm trying to call you and your not picking up._

**Regina:**   _its done_

**Emma:** _What's done?!_

**Regina:**   _my life_

**Emma:** _No it's not done okay?_

_Fuck. Listen to me, Regina._

_Whatever you may think right now, it's not okay to think that youre not special to me._

_I care about you so much._

**Regina:**   _no you don't_

**Emma:** _I do!_

_I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU._

_What pills did you take?_

_I'm on my way over there right now._

_Keep texting me_

**Regina:**   _hes better than me._

**Emma:** _No he isn't._

_Hell never be better than you._

_You're my best friend Regina._

_The most special person in my life._

_I'm texting you and im running over there._

**Regina:**   _do you know how many times I dreamed of you_

**Emma:** _How many?_

_How many times?_

_Regina?_

**Regina** _**:** _ _I feel so slepy_

**Emma:** _JFC. Regina stay with me._

**Regina** _: You u will miss me_

**Emma:** _Of course I would miss you!_

_But you're not going anywhere_

_I'll always be here for you_

_Regina?_

_Regina oh god don't do this to me_

_Answer me_

**Regina:** _yes im numb cant type nymore_

_Bye_

**Emma:** _Regina!_

_Stay with me!_

_Regina?_

And that's when she had called her. The phone had rang out. Once. Then four times. Then five. Until she was running, literally pelting down Main Street and headed for Mifflin until the blonde realized that she could have just poofed herself there instead.

So confused she had been. So utterly devastated.

Then upon reaching the looming mansion at minutes to one after midnight, the door was secured from the inside. Her heart was hammering away just as her fists were on that damn door. She was ready to break it down, to fling it from its hinges. Until the blonde decided to start using her brain and with the aid of magic, Swan finally entered the house.

She remembered how dark the interior was. How the air was colder than normal and the way she stumbled around practically yelling for her. Screaming her name. Shoving open doors and then taking the steps three at a time, just so that she would reach upstairs and be able to assess the situation without doing so from behind a screen.

Emma, legs parted, allowed her upper form to fall forward as tears anguished her. As tears shook her chest until those sobs grew painful enough. Just when she had honestly believed that they could keep that special bond between them and work to build on it, her whole world had come crashing down. Because after entering the bedroom upstairs, she had found her on the floor on her right side.

The phone display illuminated the area under the bed to an extent. Her brown eyes barely fluttered open, even when the blonde fell to her knees and she began to cry even more. The bottle of sleeping pills had rolled away about three feet and after checking the contents, Emma noted that more than half of the quantity was missing.


	2. Fall

She never really was the praying type.

But she prayed to God that the pills had been consumed on prior occasions. She weakly had dialed the ambulance. Then she called her mother. Her dad. Everything after had been a blur. The hospital. Henry's wide eyes. The questions. Her mother asking her if she wanted something to eat and the fucking beeping from the machines.

The room had been so cold.

She stayed by her side for every single hour after, with every second eating away at her heart. Emma sobbed.

They had emptied the contents of her stomach. Although she was deemed to be recovering from what little of the pills had managed to sink in, Regina was okay. But she was weak and she was breathing loudly through that damn oxygen mask and she was cold.

The hand the blonde held onto for the entire night was so cold. Almost as if the doctors had lied to her and she was weeping over her best friend's dead body.

She prayed.

Her head of tangled blonde fell onto the bed, wetting the sheet with tears as she cried and she prayed. Holding onto her hand almost as if letting go would mean that her best friend, her special person was dead. Was drifting and had gone away.

All the while Emma sat there as David slept outside on the waiting area chairs, Henry along with him and Snow by a chair in the room next to the window. All the while she stared at the rise and fall of Regina's chest. The way her lips remained parted through the haze of the plastic mask. And her dark hair fanned out upon the white pillow case.

They couldn't know.

They wouldn't know how terrible this was. How her pain had been tremendous, believing that she was solely responsible and wishing that everything had been different.

This was her fault and she remembered thinking that if she lost her, this would be the end for both of them in a manner of speaking. Because she had done this. She had been the one who never noticed the older woman's feelings. The way Regina had started to trust her more. To talk to her more. To run after her.

Their dates. Because those special moments were dates, weren't they? At least that's what she joked about to the brunette on those occasions. Sharing a plate of fries with a serving of garden salad and musing over their plans to destroy the Evil Queen. Or other times when Regina would pick her up and the Mercedes Benz would roll to a clearing in the forest and they would sink into their pasta and they would talk to each other.

Emma sat in that chair, head bowed as she rested her forehead on the brunette's clammy hand. And she began to drown in the actuality of what had happened between them

Regina using a wish to get herself to the dream land the blonde was caught in…just to rescue her. When even Hook hadn't done anything to save her as the older woman had done. When Hook had always stood on the sidelines, waiting to be told what to do. When Regina was the one who acted.

Even when she had become the Dark One to save the brunette, Regina had taken control of the dagger with the blonde's name on it. She had stood there in the forest and had tried so many times to summon her. Emma had felt it. She felt when the older woman sank down and cried, blaming herself for what had happened. She felt it when Regina lost Robin and her heart had been broken.

But why hadn't she felt when the older woman had started to fall for her?

Why hadn't she noticed the deep, intense gazes and the tremble in Regina's voice?

Snow had drifted towards her, resting a hand upon the blonde's shoulder softly. She had asked if Emma wanted anything to eat. She had declined.

None of them knew exactly what had happened.

Which was why she sat there and she felt so consumed with so much hurt and pain and fear.

Regina was in love with her.

Emma finally locked her phone screen when she heard footsteps approaching. The sound of heavy boots falling upon the wooden dock. It was understood why her heart still refused to calm down. This wasn't supposed to be easy.

Her eyes focused on Hook's form and she felt that awful knife digging deeper into her heart as the distance was closed.

"How're you holding up?" he engulfed her in a hug, one that she did not return. After noting that, Killian drew away and studied Emma's face.

She avoided eye contact. Her cheeks were stained from tears.

"I just got off the phone with Snow," he said in a gentle tone. "She said to tell you that Regina's awake. But she wouldn't talk to anyone and she's still crying."

A sob escaped through her lips.

He noted how those same lips trembled.

Hook tried to hug her again, but Emma suddenly batted his arms away and stepped back. Her bold move was enough to shock him to a point where he decided to step back as well. Utterly confused from the display, the man who considered himself her fiancé remained silent.

"I can't do this," the blonde said hoarsely.

Of course he wasn't following. Killian frowned. "Of course you can. She's going to be fine. Robin's effect on her was too devastating. And in no time –"

"It's not about Robin," she croaked.

The evening had turned into night. One day had gone by. She had been literally existing in the world for the entire day and she had done some serious thinking. She had done some soul searching. Her heart had spoken and she had listened to it over and over again. Until her fists had attacked the steering wheel in the yellow bug. And Emma had screamed.

"Well she must know that the Evil Queen will be defeated and she will be safe," he said, worry creasing his forehead.

Emma swallowed hard. She blinked at her boots. "It's not about the Evil Queen either."

"Then what is it about, love?" he took her shoulders into his grasp and noted how stiff they were from his touch. "Do tell me."

"It's about me," she whispered, her lips trembling as the tears threatened to come forth again. "Just me, okay. I'm responsible."

"Don't say that."

"She's in love with me," Emma's voice had become weak.

After she had placed those words into the open, Killian remained silent for a long time. He fought an inner battle of course. He studied her face and couldn't understand what was happening.

"I don't understand…"

"Regina's in love with me," Emma said, finally lifting her wet eyes to meet his. "She has been in love with me since Robin died. Or even before that. I really don't know –"

"But that's nonsense," he shook his head. "That's –"

"No, it isn't," the blonde told him as her voice trembled. "The signs were there. All the time. And I ignored them because I wanted to believe that what I was seeing was something different. When I was the one who was leading her on –"

"Bloody hell," he squeezed her shoulders and frowned deeper. "What the hell are you talking about, Emma? What do you mean that you led her on?"

She had to continue, didn't she? She couldn't stop right there.

"I knew."

"You knew what?" he was staring hard.

"That she was in love with me. Since we went to New York to find Henry. And we came back and she started asking me to hang out with her. We started talking and going deeper."

"And you didn't tell me none of this? Killian was dumbfounded.

"I couldn't tell you," Emma whispered.

"Why?" He felt colder.

"Because I'd have to admit it," the blonde croaked. "And I couldn't admit it. Not when I wanted to stop believing in it."

"Stop talking to me in riddles, Emma!" Killian shook her a little. He was growing rather infuriated by the sudden declarations. "What does all of this mean? What are you trying to tell me?"

"That I'm in love with her!" she weakly cried out. Her sobs choked her. She was growing light headed. "I've just realized what it all means. Because maybe the fact that she almost died last night woke my damn heart up. But it's been there all the time. All the time." She twisted her shoulders out of his grasp.

Killian's arms fell to his sides. He was staring. Bewildered.

Emma took it as an opportunity to turn around and pace the dock. She had to keep moving. Had to. Or else she would freeze over.

"I rushed this too fast. I could tell that you were aiming this way," she continued. "And I had a feeling that this engagement would happen but I have to admit that my heart was never one hundred percent in this." Their eyes met and she noted how pained he looked. "I said yes because I had no choice at the time. I had no idea what all of this meant until she explained it to me."

Killian scoffed. He began to shake his head, and stepped back. "Bloody fucking hell."

"She almost died, Killian," Emma said to him in a softer tone.

"So what?" he pelted back, flinging out his arms. "Why in the world would I care? The only reason I cared about her was because you thought she was a special kind of angel. Always pining after her." He scoffed again and spun around. "This is ridiculous. She's been the worst form of the devil ever known to man. And yet you still run after her like she's completely worth it."

She was staring at him.

Emma wondered how in the world he could become so heartless.

"She means the world to me," the blonde felt her entire body begin to shake. Her fists clenched. "Whether you fucking like it or not, she's my special kind of angel and she's completely worth it."

"She's not worth anyone's pain after the pain she's caused," his eyes flashed from anger.

"Oh and you think you're some angel after you murdered my grandfather and your own damn father?" she rushed up to him, furious. "That makes you a goddamn hero?"

Killian squared up his shoulders. He stayed where he was. "Swan."

"Don't you dare stand there and pretend that you're even better than her!"

"She could die for all I care and I wouldn't shed a tear!" he retorted. "What makes this more interesting is that you're admitting to being in love with a….woman." He suddenly scowled deeper. "What would your parents say about this? And not just any woman. But her."

Emma was staring at him with her mouth agape. Obviously after he had belted out the first line. Cold. Her chest had gone cold. Her heart had stopped even caring for him because he was a snake. Killian was a dirty pirate with his past still flowing through his veins, just as her father had believed him to be.

"Screw you, you bastard," she was shaking now. Emma made one swift move and pulled off the ring.

When he cast his eyes upon that unfolding, Killian stepped forward. "Now, Swan. Let's give this some time. Don't act so rash –"

Emma didn't waste any time. She pelted the ring as far as she could, possibly sending it sailing into the crashing waves not too far from them.

"Swan!" he cried. "You'll regret this!"

"The only thing I'll regret for the rest of my life," she spat out, beginning to walk away, "is actually risking the lives of the ones I love to save your sorry pathetic ass from hell."

And with that said, Emma disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The hospital room had grown colder, as if that was even possible. To a point where she had to find the remote and turn the goddamn AC unit off with long strides into the room.

Her chest was on fire. Emma was definitely losing her mind and she allowed every second of it if that meant being free from the bastard she had left behind on the docks.

Emerald eyes turned upon the bed, noting how Regina was on her right side. A sight that pained the blonde deeply, reminiscing on the night before when she had found her in the same position. This time though, she wasn't alone in a manner of speaking. Because within her arms, the brunette had somehow managed to obtain Emma's red leather jacket. And she was sleeping whilst holding onto it.

The sight alone made the blonde begin to cry. Knowing that after all this time, she had almost been responsible for killing her own best friend. The one woman who would stand by her side no matter what the odds were. No matter how dangerous their lives would become, Regina would sacrifice her life to save her. And she would do it without thinking.

"I figured that she needed it," her father suddenly appeared by the door. He was barely smiling. David gestured towards the bed. "When we're rock bottom, we all need a life jacket. And I went to get one for her."

His words, his simple words shook her so deeply, Emma's eyes filled with tears. It wasn't just the simplicity of what he had said. But the honesty in his eyes that spoke volumes. Their connection and what was shared without speaking. The blonde gazed at her father and finally understood why family meant so much to her.

It wasn't because of their bond alone.

But it was also because of how David would support her in whatever she chose to do.

He knew.

He knew all of it and he wasn't judging her.

"Took a long time for you to come around," he said softly, crossing the room slowly. "I was hoping that it wouldn't come to this." David glanced sadly at Regina. "But it did. And thank God you were there to save her. Or else I believe that you would have lost your soul mate."

Wrapping his arms around her, Emma collapsed inside. She flung hers around him. They embraced tightly. Until she sobbed into his right shoulder and stayed there for a long time whilst he allowed it.

"I didn't understand what all of this tension meant," she croaked. "I really didn't. I would get so upset with her over the stupidest things. And I would get so moody when she would say things to me. And I never knew why."

"But now you know," he said softly, running his hand affectionately up and down her back. "And that's all that matters."

"And mom?" she just had to ask.

David sighed. "Your mother will come around. Just leave that to me. She's a bit shaken at the moment after all of this. She doesn't know as yet about your feelings. But she will know."

"I broke off the engagement," Emma said, finally pulling apart and staring into her father's eyes.

David sighed. "So we have a terribly angered villain out there now, thanks to you." He smiled afterwards though.

Suddenly, Regina groaned. The bed creaked as she weakly turned onto her back, brown eyes fluttering.

Immediately, Emma forgot everything they had been talking about and she stared wide eyed at the brunette who was breathing on her own now. She was alive. Her chest rose and fell slowly. Her skin was so pale.

"I'll be outside if you need me," David leaned in and whispered into his daughter's ear. He made sure to press a kiss onto her cheek. And quietly stepping towards the door, he was gone.

How could she approach this? How in the world could she even talk to her about any of this when she felt so horrible about it all?

Knowing that after all this time, she had been breathing up a storm inside, creating a ball of pain. When they could have gotten things out in the open and moved on from there. Regardless of if Regina felt the same way about her when she would have confessed something, Emma could have lived with that. Not this.

Emma's lips quivered as she approached the bed. She could literally feel herself dying inside from knowing that the older woman possibly hated her now. And just as she neared the chair where her form had sunk into for more than six hours during the early hours of the morning, Regina finally noticed that she wasn't alone.

They gazed at each other for a long time. The pain in those brown eyes was too evident. Even as the brunette began to cry, her face contorting from so much sadness. Emma gave in by sitting gently upon the bed as she began to allow the tears to fall too.

"I'm so…sorry," she whispered. "I hate myself right now for this. I really do." Her lungs were on fire. "How can you even look at me without being disgusted, I'm a disappointment. And I'll never forgive myself for what happened to you. This is all my fault." She choked on a sob. "I almost lost you and I don't know what I would do if you weren't here right now with me."

Without even realizing it, Emma reached for Regina's left hand with hers. She felt how clammy the brunette's fingers were but she entwined their hands together slowly.

Something changed in those brown eyes when the blonde did that. Something that was evident. The absence of an essential part of the downfall between them. Nothing was felt.

"The…ring," Regina was so hoarse, her forehead creased.

Emma swallowed hard. "There's no ring anymore."

"Wh-at," the brunette began to cough, obviously her throat was too parched.

Reaching for the water bottle, weakly the blonde twisted the cap and pulled out the straw. Then gently, she slipped her hand behind a head of the softest dark hair ever. It was just enough to lift Regina's head a little. And that's when she eased the straw between the older woman's lips.

"I've got you, babe," Emma croaked, her heart swelling when Regina wrapped her fingers around the blonde's lower arm for support. "I made a promise to you. And I'm going to keep that promise until we both draw our last breaths."

When she had finished sipping enough water, the brunette couldn't take her eyes away from emerald ones. She kept gazing at her, as if waiting on something to be said or done. Emma felt herself growing nervous. She didn't know what to say or how to approach the situation. But she knew the truth. She had finally embraced the truth so maybe starting from there would be wise.

"I never knew what it all meant," she began, keeping their fingers entwined. "I really never knew. I felt something. Something deep and unsettling. But I couldn't figure it out on my own until I almost lost you. I don't think that I would have been able to live without you, Regina," she said through tears that came abundantly all of a sudden. "If I lost you, I would lose my heart."

Tears leaked down the brunette's cheeks too and soaked the pillow. "Same."

"Why are we always so afraid to tell the person we love how we feel about them?" she wondered out loud. "Why do we end up waiting until we're rock bottom before we do that?"

"Because we think…the other person will not feel the same…way," Regina tried slowly. "I…I thought…you –" she ended up coughing, wheezing.

"Don't," Emma urged, her voice trembling from noting how weak the older woman was.

Regina clung onto her, almost as if she was afraid that death would come in seconds. When her coughing fit ended, those brown eyes filled with tears. It was only then when she began to breathe through parted lips. And the sound of it all simply devastated the blonde.

"I don't want this to happen. I want you to stop hurting," she croaked, squeezing the brunette's fingers between hers. "How can I make it stop?"

By telling her that you love her.

By telling her how you truly feel.

Emma sat there and struggled internally by trying to rehearse a speech without speaking. She was hurting inside too, knowing that between them there was this ball of pain and whatever was said would either break or make them better. Then she would fall.

"I l-love you," she finally whispered, hoping that her words, as hard as it was to confess that, wouldn't turn into poison to kill them both. "Regina, I love you. I'm so…in love with you."

"What?" the older woman was confused.

"What you did…" Emma began, "it was all a way to break the cage I was in. Then I had to fall. We both had to fall."

"Then why…did you…say yes…to him." The brunette's voice was barely audible. Her face was lined from struggling to maintain composure.

Emerald eyes were lowered. She was ashamed of herself. "Because I wanted to achieve something else. I wanted to…change my life somehow. Instead of staying in one place and being completely alone –"

"You were never…alone," Regina hoarsely whispered. "You've always had me. Henry. Your parents."

"It wasn't the same," Emma admitted, a tear slipping forth and dropping onto their entwined hands. "You seemed to be caught up in a moment with trying to get back Robin. You were obviously not…well I thought you were not looking at me in any way other than a friend. And I just felt as if I was backed up in a corner and I had to do something."

"So you said…yes to a man who has done nothing for you?" the brunette asked. Despite how weak she was, between her words was laced with anger.

"He's done some things…" she lied to herself.

"What the hell has he done…" the brunette hoarsely delivered, "when you were…hurt but nothing than stay on the sidelines?" Regina struggled to sit up a bit. "Where was he when I would always run after…you," she coughed. Emma held her hand tighter. "When I was the one who ran after you to save you. I would find you…every single time. I would die to protect you. Just as you've done for me."

"Regina –"

"I've always been in love with…you," the older woman cried. "But I couldn't admit it because you weren't either. I don't know…how love works in this world. I really don't. But what I know is that for me…when someone shows interest in me enough to have my back around every corner, that is supposed to be more than enough and you have done that since the day you met me." Her speech was delivered slowly. Measured words. She seemed to be hanging onto every word, just as the blonde was.

"I know that, Regina," Emma croaked.

"You give me…hope."

"I know that," the blonde weakly said.

"And when that hope is taken away from you," Regina cried hoarsely, "when you're shown a ring, you have no choice but to feel yourself dying inside. Do you know how that…feels? To stand there and watch the one person you love above everyone else, admit that she is going to marry…" she couldn't continue.

"Regina, I'm not going to marry him," Emma took the older woman's shoulders into her grasp and she held on.

"But you…were! You proved to me that you would choose someone else over me by burying how you feel inside."

The blonde crumbled inwardly. Her face contorted a little.

"Why didn't you leave me to die?" Regina asked hoarsely. Her cheeks were so wet. "When you found me you should have left me to die."

"I couldn't do that!" Emma cried. "Fucking hell, Regina! I couldn't do that! Stop talking to me like that. Oh my god, you're killing us both. I'm sorry I did what I did," the blonde explained with her hands trembling before her. "I'm sorry I actually said yes to him. But if it's one thing you taught me is that just when fate has us gripped tight, we can pull ourselves out and change our path. That's what you taught me. And that's what I did."

"So if I didn't almost die," Regina began, her lips quivering, "would you still be here. Without a ring?"

"Yes!" the blonde confessed, her chest heaving. "We'd still continue that conversation and you'd still cry and I would too. And every damn truth inside both of us would come out because we never talked about this. We never sat down and talked about this, Regina. We talked about everything else. We hung out and avoided the truth. But I would still talk to you about this over and over again and I wish that I could rewind time and do this differently."

Brown eyes fluttered close.

Resting her head back upon the pillow, Regina didn't reply. Her lips remained parted though. Her chest rose and fell slowly. The grip she had on Emma's hand didn't slacken. Their fingers remained entwined.

"I would still choose you, Regina," Emma croaked.

The brunette said nothing.

Her silence was like poison.

The younger woman swallowed a sob. "Regina, answer me."

"I'm tired," was all the brunette said softly.

"So am I," Emma whispered, the urge to cry out was threatening. She wanted to scream. "Do you want me to leave? Is that what you want? Me to just walk out and leave you. All to yourself? Because what I did was unforgivable and you want nothing more to do with me?"

Brown eyes fluttered open. Regina stared up at the ceiling.

"Because I give all of it up. I gave him up without regretting it. Just like that, okay?" The blonde was losing her sanity. She was crumbling and hurting so much inside. "I didn't second think this. I just thought about how I almost lost you forever and I gave everything else up. I just let go of everyone else."

Regina's chest heaved.

A cool wind came through the curtains, and for the first time, Emma realized that the window had been open all along. She hadn't noticed that before. Simple things she hadn't noticed. Like the vase of roses on the table beside the bed and the black and white stuffed cat she had presented the older woman with for her birthday last year.

It had been intended to be something that would ward off bad dreams as the shop keeper had promised her. She honestly thought back then a lot deeper about choosing that gift. And she had chosen something that would ridiculously help Regina to chase her nightmares away.

"I'm going to go," she finally said, her chest exploding with pain.

"No," Regina finally whispered, reaching for the younger woman's hand and squeezing those warm fingers between hers. Their eyes met. "Please don't."

She didn't understand. "But you're not even talking to me. Why shouldn't I go?"

The brunette blinked slowly. "Emma, my throat hurts terribly. My head throbs. My heart is on fire. And I feel like I would sleep for a week."

She had really underestimated the after effects of almost taking her life.

Emma bit her lips.

"Please don't leave me," the brunette begged.

"Okay," the younger woman swallowed. She couldn't leave. She didn't want to.

And as then the inevitable happened.

Just as the blonde leaned lowered with the intention of pressing a soft kiss onto the older woman's forehead, as soon as she did, a powerful surge of magic emanated from their connection.

It was so sudden, a rush of energy that expelled itself from the kiss and shot out with such a tremendous force, the windows of the hospital shattered. The instant sound of car horns blaring could be heard and the indefinite shouts of shock as footfalls rushed around them.

Regina's eyes instantly shot open and she stared at the other woman. Although as weak as possible, she forced herself to get up from the pillow, with the aid of the blonde offering a strong but trembling grip. Then when the door to the room burst open providing a shocked sight of David and Snow, the two of them immediately recognized what had occurred.

No one said a word at first.

But the look in Snow's eyes was quite dreadful, even as she gripped onto her husband and he stared back.

"Did I just…" emerald eyes found brown ones. "Did we just…break a…curse?"

David nodded. He was impressed. "I think…" he considered his wife. "I think you just did!"

"The one that holds us still in this town," Snow whispered, still overwhelmed by the sight before her and the surge that had passed through them. "I think you've just broken the lock."

"With True Love's kiss," her husband smiled.

But Snow didn't return one.

Instead, she stared at Emma and Regina remaining so close to each other. And then her eyes rested on their fingers entwined. Of course she couldn't contain her gasp. Not when so much was obvious from the way they turned to gaze at each other to the fact that David was beaming like a lunatic.

Regina…

She…

Snow stumbled on her thoughts.

Emma and Regina…they were…

Her vision was pinched, black closing in from the corners. She could feel herself growing weaker and weaker and then, the world disappeared.


	3. Home

Maybe it was best that the entire town didn't become aware of what had transpired inside that hospital room.

After all, they would never understand, would they? Judgmental eyes would cast disapproving glances and blank stares. Even as they began to realize that one by one, the inhabitants of Storybrooke could leave town if they so decided.

It was two days after.

After that last conversation, Regina hadn't said much to her, except for simple greetings around every visit that centered on one word. One word was all that it took to shake the blonde's heart to a point where she felt like crying. One word felt like a truck crashing into her heart. Because she couldn't conceal how her world had changed.

Emma couldn't hide the fact that something had developed between them. Something strong. Something that ate away at her for hours on end until she oftentimes found herself sitting and staring into space. Wondering how in the world they had arrived there so soon, and so fast.

Now she was slowly gathering up Regina's clothes. What little there was in the hospital room…

Emma folded a red long sleeved t-shirt with the word 'love' imprinted in white on the upper right side. And she stopped to consider the article of clothing, remembering that it was one of five in a gift set she had presented to the older woman for Christmas. The other four had various designs. The one Regina was wearing presently had a black heart on the front.

She also had on a pair of black sweatpants and white socks with little yellow paw prints on them. Another gift from the blonde. Even up to that moment, Regina was holding onto Emma's red leather jacket. In fact, since two days ago, she hadn't let go of that, finding that somehow it was her way of hanging onto something definite.

Emma knew that her perfume was still embedded in the fabric. Her vanilla smell mixed with a fruity scent from dabbing on a particular Victoria Secret body spray. Nevertheless, Regina didn't seem to mind for she didn't to never want to let go.

David poked his head into the room and their eyes met. "Ready?" he mouthed.

She shook her head and glanced at the brunette. Regina was still sleeping.

After he disappeared into the hallway again, Emma resumed folding the articles of clothing, noting how her heart was fluttering wildly. It wasn't normal for them to go without speaking to each other for so long. Not like this. All the pain in the silence between them was really unsettling her because she wanted to know so much more. She wanted to hold her. To replace that jacket and be hugged.

Emma just wanted for them to open up to each other.

In more ways than one, she thought as the last pair of sweatpants was folded, this wasn't the way she had hoped they would end up. Even before the truth had come out. Swan had expected them to remain so close to each other, so close that they would always find solace in talking about anything.

The clock was ticking and she had no regrets. Not of breaking up with Killian. She didn't want him back at all because anyone could tell when something was growing sour. When a relationship had no definite way of progressing with hope. They had crashed. Just when Regina had almost died.

She had almost died.

Emma suddenly doubled over and she could feel the tears overwhelming her. The blonde choked on a sob and her fingers trembled, knowing that she had been so close to losing her. To losing the one woman that made her world seem so colourful when everything else had gone gray.

She wasn't supposed to crumble like this. Not in such a short time. But then…maybe this was where all of this led to. Eventually they were supposed to be here. They were supposed to crash into each other and fall in love with each other because she had been barely accepting the truth before but now…now Emma began to finally feel the weight of never lingering on it all.

That she was in love with Regina.

The sound of the zipper sliced the silence and she finally lifted the black canvas bag, compliments of her mother. The blonde heaved out a sigh and waved to her father who was standing in the hallway still. After all this time, Snow still hadn't come around. But that didn't mean that she was about to become depressed over what had happened. She still had her father standing by her side.

David came into the room and collected the bag from her arms. He noted how downcast she was.

"Hey, cheer up," he reached out to squeeze her shoulder. "Chin up. Look at me," David took a hold of the blonde's jaw and focused those emerald eyes on his. "Everything will be fine."

She considered his confident stare and felt herself becoming consumed with even more dread. Fearing the worst.

Heaving up the bag into his arms, David threw one last look at her before retreating from the room.

Emma's slumped shoulders displayed obvious defeat as she quietly approached the bed finally. Noting the small round bandage on Regina's left wrist where the IV drip had been fed into, she felt her throat tighten. The oxygen mask had been removed. Obviously the brunette could breathe well enough on her own now, but her breaths still sounded raspy. And she was still weak.

"Hey," she gently brushed her fingers upon the older woman's right cheek and waited. Admiring how beautiful the brunette was.

Regina stirred. Dark hair had grown wavy from an absence of her flat iron treatment since it had become a habit. And she wasn't wearing any trace of makeup. Just natural. And paler. But still beautiful.

Brown eyes fluttered open and mewling, the brunette's gaze immediately rested on the towering blonde.

"Ready to take you home," Emma said softly, her voice almost lowered to a whisper.

Without waiting on approval, the blonde entwined their fingers. She firstly eased the older woman up from the bed, noting how she wasn't as heavy as anticipated. But her weight was manageable. In fact, if she had to, Emma would scoop Regina into her arms. She really would.

But not now.

Not when they still hadn't settled on the same ground as yet. Not when the older woman hadn't as yet acknowledged her feelings to some extent and she continued to hold back.

Emma helped Regina into the wheelchair, made sure that her legs were planted on the stands and then she glanced around the room one last time. It wasn't a place she would miss, knowing how much it weighed her down as a constant reminder of what could have happened. After noting that nothing remained, the younger woman finally wheeled the brunette away from that dreadful place.

Even as she settled into the backseat of David's Land Rover, nothing was said. No words escaped from her lips that were faint red still. Lips that used to move a lot, as the blonde recalled, every time they met. With her wide brown eyes and the way she would invade the younger woman's personal space. Emma missed that.

God, she missed that so much.

"Her place?" David mouthed, almost as if he was afraid of disturbing Regina's peaceful state.

Emma nodded.

She had wished more than anything in the world that the brunette could settle with her. Within her own space where everything would seem so much more comfortable. But for her. Possibly, none of it would be fitting for Regina and she had to keep these things in mind, because anything could trigger another slide downhill. Or so the doctor had informed her.

Three sessions a week with Archie, as recommended.

Two bottles of pills. One blue one in the morning and another at night, before bed. The white one was to be taken after lunch.

Regina needed to be on observation at all times.

Emma sat back in her seat and felt so rigid from the regulations that suddenly ruled the older woman's life; she still felt responsible for everything. She felt as if it was all her fault that there would be three sessions and two bottles of pills and all of the other things. All of it.

Blaming herself wasn't healthy but who else could she find to rest the hammer on?

Emerald eyes couldn't focus on anything else but the brunette in the backseat. She was hugging herself, dark, wavy hair falling into her eyes and staying there and her brown eyes blinked slowly. Unfocused. It was almost as if she wasn't in this world anymore and there was no way Emma could reach her. At least that's how the blonde felt.

When they finally turned into the driveway that led to the mansion Regina would feel most comfortable resting in, Emma suddenly sat up in her seat.

Pacing the porch and seeming quite out of sorts was Snow. She had her arms folded and as soon as the vehicle rolled closer, the short hair brunette eagerly rushed down the steps.

At first, Emma was frightened from the response she would receive from her mother. David turned raised eyebrows at her, only to display his dismay as well. But lo and behold, as soon as the Land Rover stopped, Snow pulled open the right door in the back and she didn't waste time. Her assistance was given to ease the older woman out of the vehicle.

"David, get the bag," Snow directed her orders accordingly. She didn't even glance at Emma but the blonde sighed inwardly, rushing up to unlock the front door.

By the time they had settled Regina into the warmth and softness of her bed upstairs, it was already nearing five o'clock. David saw no reason to stick around, so he had been lingering downstairs, hoping to give Snow a lift home as well.

Accordingly, Emma noted how her mother fussed around, fixing this and that and trying her best to make things right like she always did. It was only natural that she stayed out of her way. At least for now. They hadn't talked since that day when the curse had been broken. Not one call. Not one text. Nothing. Only communication had been David informing her that Snow felt entirely wounded.

She didn't know why.

She wasn't mentally prepared to ask.

Emma tried to focus her mind, and soul on Regina because in those moments they were together, she felt the need to treasure them. It wasn't that she was entirely afraid of losing her again. But her heart wasn't prepared to put distance between them. Not when she had enough time to recollect on everything the brunette had done for her. Not when she could have possibly remembered every single moment they shared that meant something so much more than what a friend would offer.

Like laughing over smoothies and binging on Downton Abbey on Regina's fine set of red leather chairs downstairs. The way the older woman would reach out and gently dab away milk residue from the blonde's lips.

Emma didn't even realize she had been standing in the middle of the room staring at the window until Snow planted herself between the fading source of light and her daughter.

The blonde snapped back into reality and blinked fast enough.

"Walk me out," Snow jerked her chin towards the door. "Now." And without sparing a second, she headed that way.

Emma had no choice but to follow, but after casting another glance at Regina. The older woman had already fallen into a deep sleep and she was curled up like a comma.

By the time she had descended the staircase, Snow was standing in the hallway with her arms folded. Emma found herself dreading a conversation that would have to happen anyway. But she had to admit that her heart would be wounded nevertheless to hear the other woman voice anything but approval on whatever was going on between Regina and herself.

She tried to prepare herself. Of course realizing that any mother would fall into a spell of disapproval if they found out their daughter was in love with another woman. Not only that. That other woman so happened to be Snow's step mother. Now things were growing so complicated, more than she expected them to be in her reality, and Emma's brain grew fuzzy.

"Make sure she gets her pills on time," Snow began, without a smile of course. "She needs to eat three meals per day. You must help her get to the bathroom and the toilet because she's still weak." Her tone was level. "Which means that you have to stay here with her."

She was waiting on the part where her mother would say she didn't approve.

"And please," Snow continued, pleading with her eyes, "Emma, don't let her out of your sight. Stay with her for as long as it takes for her to heal. She can't do this alone. She needs you more than anyone else in the world right now."

She was staring now. Slightly bewildered.

"And it might seem that she doesn't want you around. But she…does. She really does," Snow said softly.

Emma couldn't contain her confusion.

She blinked a few times.

"What?" Snow asked.

The blonde swallowed hard. She bit her lips them inhaled deeply. "I thought you wouldn't like…this at all."

David could be heard jingling his keys somewhere outside on the patio. He whistled a slow tune.

Snow frowned deeper. "You thought that I wouldn't like…what?"

"This," Emma gestured around her as if that would explain everything. "Me. Her. How we feel about each other. All of it. I just thought that that's why you were staying away and you wouldn't talk to me. Because I know you liked Killian a lot and we were engaged and I broke it off. All because of…her."

"I'm not mad because of any of those things," Snow took a step forward but her tone had grown a little colder. "I'm mad because after all this time, Emma, you've never seen how Regina had begun to fall in love with you. For so many years you two have known each other and you never could see it. Never." Snow's voice trembled a little. "I've stood on the sidelines and I've supported every relationship you decided to take, all because I'm your mother and I support your choice because you're an adult. But this has gone way too far, Emma. Way too far." The older woman threw her hands out and shook her head in disbelief. "It is beyond me how you could not realize that your best friend…" she noted the tears in emerald eyes and softened her tone, "your best friend, Emma; she was killing herself inside all this time by loving you. She was breaking. Until she couldn't take it anymore and she tried to stop all of the pain she was going through."

"I know that I screwed up," Emma said through tears. Her chest trembled. "You don't have to tell me that part."

"You really did. But we're human and we all make mistakes."

"Why didn't you even tell me?" the blonde's voice was so small. "You knew how she felt about me. You knew all along and you knew she was hurting and you never said anything to me."

"Because I was waiting on you to wake up out of this dream you have been living in," Snow told her. "I know that you wanted to make a future with Hook because you thought that he would offer you something stable and permanent. Your own little family with a man who returned your affections and Henry. But that's not what you really want. It's never what you really wanted. Never. I've never been part of your life for a long time, Emma. But I'm your mother. I know you more than you know yourself. And I know that you didn't notice all of this," Snow nodded, tears forming in her eyes. "I know that you were so caught up in believing in your engagement, you couldn't see how you broke her. But I was there. And I saw…all of it."

"And you didn't say a word," Emma still rested on that.

"Well when you put it like that, how would you have felt if I went to you during your overflowing happiness over that ring, and I told you that Regina is in love with you?" Snow asked, tilting her head. "I don't think you would have believed me."

"But at least I would have known what she was going to come to me with," the blonde was still shaky from crying. "She gave me hints. And I didn't have any idea. I couldn't tell what she was talking about."

"Emma, you knew," Snow insisted. "You've always known but you're just like your father. You bury things down deep inside. Things that you can't understand. Your feelings were always there."

"I know that now," the younger woman confessed. She swallowed a sob.

"Then why did you even second think what you felt?"

Their eyes connected. Emma's expression was strained from emotion. "Because I thought that it couldn't ever be something that would happen. I thought that it was just a silly crush and she would never feel the same way about me. I was…scared when I realized that my anger towards her was turning into admiration then…love."

"And you never thought that she felt the same way about you?"

"No!" Emma hoarsely cried. "You know how she is. She's good with hiding her feelings. She never used to open up to me in that way. All we talked about was what chaos we were going through and Henry. But she never brought up anything that had to do with her emotions. Until recently when we took that trip to New York to find Henry, she began to tell me things."

Snow's eyes widened. "What things?"

"About her life. Like…when she was a kid and what she used to love. How she was afraid of moths. Her mother. She…opened up to me so much."

"And you didn't find that it was…weird?" Snow asked, frowning.

"I thought that she was in a really low place and maybe she just needed someone. And that someone happened to be me," Emma explained. "How was I supposed to know that she was trying to get in?"

Snow sighed. She considered her daughter with a soft look. "I'm mad at both of you for not having the courage to tell each other how you feel. And when she did it…she was ready to end her life. She was so, so close. A five minutes more perhaps, and she would have died, Emma."

The blonde pressed sweaty palms upon both her eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to stop herself from crying.

"But she didn't. Because you saved her," Snow said softly. "You're always saving her. That's what love does to people. That's what soul mates do. They save each other, no matter what the cost is. When you were trapped in a dream, Regina left everything she had here, and she took the risk to go after you. She brought you back. All of these things mean something."

"Yeah," was all Emma could whisper, feeling herself become so emotionally drained, she wanted to collapse.

Snow remained silent.

David cleared his throat by the front door. He jingled his keys a bit more. "Hey, don't mean to interrupt but I'm kind of hungry and Emma must be tired. So…"

The older woman sighed.

Her facial expression had grown softer than earlier, and now, she embraced her daughter. Emma allowed it because the hug made her feel somewhat alright after she had all that strain on her mind about Snow not accepting any of it.

"I think the two of you need some time alone," her mother suggested, patting blonde hair. She fixed Emma's black beanie upon her head and smiled.

"And what if she still doesn't want to talk to me?" the blonde feared that.

"You might want to start making up bit by bit for the path you've led her down," Snow suggested. "Try reading to her. Holding her next to you until she falls asleep. Stay with her. Talk to her even when she doesn't talk back to you. Remember, she's completely in love with you but she possibly hates what you've done. Everything will quickly fall away once she sees how you're truly in love with her too."

Snow left that evening with her words lingering in the hallway. Words that followed Emma up the staircase and down again when she went to prepare some porridge for Regina so that she could take her medication.

Oh how bruised she was. But then, she deserved this, didn't she? At least she thought she did. Everyone laments about the harm self-blame can do because no one wants to own up for what they did. But she was prepared to do that.

When Emma returned upstairs, she found Regina already awake with her brown eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. The sight of it all made the blonde's heart ache terribly. She wanted to get in but had no idea how to as yet. Until now.

"Guess who made porridge with apple chunks inside," she found that even though her tone remained cheerful, her voice trembled.

Emma helped the older woman ease her head onto two pillows. She carefully seated herself upon the bed and slowly settled the spoon between parted lips.

"That's it," she tried so hard to smile. So hard as Regina complied. "How are you feeling? Any better than yesterday?"

Maybe it was the dumbest question to ask, but she didn't realize that until after the words had escaped.

Regina didn't answer.

She merely stared ahead.

"Hey," Emma fed her a little more, "I know that you probably want me to stop talking and you probably want me to leave you alone," she said, her voice trembling. "But I'm not going to –"

"Why are you…" Regina began, but her voice was so hoarse, she had to stop.

The blonde waited as she stopped breathing.

"Why are you…here?" the older woman whispered.

Emma blinked. She could feel tears filling her eyes.

She was screaming internally. She was crying, dreading the obvious fact that Regina assumed she didn't belong here. Or she didn't want to be there.

"I'm here because I want to be here," she said. "I'm here because this is not a choice. It's a priority. And our feelings are mutual for each other."

"Then why did you…" Regina's voice dropped to a small trembling tone that instantly wounded the blonde, "…tell me otherwise in New York?"

She was confused. New York? The place where they found a space in Neal's apartment and they talked for over an hour? The place where the older woman opened up and cried? Where she poured her heart out?

"When? I never told you I wouldn't be there for you."

"When we were in New York in Neal's apartment," Regina paced herself, slowly speaking, "I asked you what you wanted that would make you happy. What would be your ideal future. And you said…he would."

"Regina, that was just me being a complete idiot who thought she was really going to live a happy life with a stupid, arrogant pirate," Emma said softly.

"But you said," brown eyes filled with tears, "he was your happy ending. And I'm a friend. And –"

"Regina…" Emma croaked. Her cheeks were wet now.

"You chose Neal over me," Regina said through crying, "you chose him. I watched you…all the time. I had no one. I chose no one because I couldn't until you made your decision and then I allowed Robin to get in. I had no choice, Emma. I was heartbroken and I needed someone to make me forget."

"I know that," the blonde said softly. "I'm so sorry, Regina. I really am. I swear. And I'm going to make it up to you, every chance I get. For the rest of my life."

"Don't make promises you can't keep…" The brunette shifted on the bed, and her curled up fingers gripped the edge of the red satin sheet.

She had returned to avoiding eye contact with the younger woman.

However, Emma didn't back down. "Have I ever broken a promise I made to you?" she asked softly, fearing that her heart might die. "Tell me when have I ever made a promise to you and I broke it."

Regina's lips parted a little. Apparently her brain was trying to conjure up a response. But none never came.

"Good," the blonde said, nodding. "So you know that when it comes to you, I don't break my promise. And I've just made one. And whether you like it or not, it pretty much means that you're going to be seeing my ugly face a lot for the rest of your life."

The older woman's lips twitched into a smile. A small one but nevertheless it was evident enough to bring one as well onto Emma's face. She could literally feel the weight lifting off of her chest from just acknowledging Regina's simple display of being slightly humored.

"You're not…ugly," the brunette hoarsely noted. Her hand slowly reached out towards the younger woman's blonde tendrils. Her touch was a lover's touch. Tracing her fingertips along the silky strands and being fully aware of emerald eyes gazing at her along every second.

"I'm not, huh." Emma could literally feel her body responding to those simple touches that travelled down her right arm that was holding onto the spoon. Even her grasp slightly trembled because Regina's touch was warm and soothing. Reassuring her that hope actually existed in her life.

"No, you're not. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met," the older woman croaked.

"I doubt that," the blonde tilted her head, offering a small lopsided smile.

Two seconds passed and then she found herself leaning into cupped fingers as Regina lightly caressed her right cheek then jawline. Her touch stayed there. Lingered there for a long time as their eyes connected. And all the while, Emma kept thinking of the blissful moment when they would finally kiss. When their lips would meet and they would find themselves drowning in that feeling.

Eventually, she resumed the act of feeding her. Little by little. They never diverted that gaze elsewhere. Never. Emma's cheeks coloured and she kept savouring the times when they touched. She kept collecting all those memories.

xx

 


	4. Cracks

Falling short of expectation, perhaps more enough on her mother's side, Emma chose to sleep in the guest room instead of in the brunette's bed.

It wasn't just the paranoid notion of feeling that she would be pushing things a little too far if that had been her decision. But the actuality of knowing that healing is a process that one also has to go through alone, the blonde found little solace in something else other than close proximity. In more ways than one, she would be there for her around every corner. However, right there and then, they needed to keep a little distance from each other.

She had risen early the following morning, although feeling quite comfortable enough in the plush bed just in the room across the hall from where Regina slept. Occasionally, Emma found herself fluttering out from the depths of sleep and listening intently for any unusual sounds through the night. Nothing was out of sorts.

And now she was preparing a bowl of oatmeal with blueberry and apple chunks from one of the many boxes nestled in the kitchen drawers.

It wasn't surprising that Regina seemed to be the number one health conscious woman she had ever met. If anything else had come into her path to prove otherwise, the blonde would have been slightly surprised. Knowing that the older woman was really funny about fatty foods that she even tried to sway Henry's lifestyle away from that.

Emma added a dash of sugar and hummed to herself, evidently trying to hold onto the little happiness she felt from their conversation the night before.

At times, she would drift towards that one sentence, where Regina highlighted that she was the most beautiful woman in the world. As childish as it would come across, the blonde wanted to curl up and sigh from that statement. She couldn't believe it. She just couldn't.

With her back towards the kitchen entrance, she hovered over the sink as washing up the utensils was her main focus now.

Apart from the birds flitting about in the apple trees outside the window. Emma marveled over the fact that certain things, certain sounds had become sharper now. Like the sunlight pouring into the room. The warmth of it; something she savoured. And the rustle of the leaves from a light morning breeze.

She was humming to Ed Sheeran's 'Shape of You' when the sound of a stool being moved behind her forced the younger woman to cease all movements.

Emma actually dropped the yellow sponge and spun around, although she was quite aware that the only persons who trespass in the mansion would be someone she knew already.

However, the sight of Regina settling onto the stool wasn't something she was mentally prepared for. In fact, the blonde gasped and tried to make sense of the change.

The brunette was still weak, had to be, and actually dragging herself downstairs like this wasn't supposed to be accepted.

"Jesus," Emma's chest still heaved uncontrollably, "what the hell, Regina!"

A faint smile rested on the older woman's face as she reached for the spoon and pulled the bowl of oatmeal towards her. Her disheveled hair gave the brunette the appearance of a wildly sexy morning after glow; something the blonde's heart wasn't really prepared for. Not to mention the presence of a flush on those honey coloured cheeks now.

"Explain yourself," the younger woman grabbed a spatula and attempted to appear rather cross as if she was scolding the brunette. "You're supposed to be in bed. Not down here. Suppose you fell or something?"

"Well…I didn't," Regina sucked on her spoon and considered the blonde with a totally cute expression on her face. "Yum. This is really good."

Of all the things in the world to become mildly mesmerized by, she just had to fall into a gaze that rested on the curls and the beauty encompassing the older woman. Nothing was more beautiful. Nothing could be…more captivating than standing there at the kitchen sink and admiring the flutter of eyelashes as their eyes met. As they held that connection between them.

"I was second thinking if I should use the blueberries," Emma laughed nervously and turned to resume her kitchen duty of washing the wares. "I mean, you're more of an apple person all the time."

"Anything that would be considered as a fruit."

"I thought so too," the blonde chuckled to herself, feeling how her neck had grown warmer.

The silence elapsed between them as the water gushed through the faucet. She found herself fixing stuff around the kitchen that didn't need any kind of attention. Like the plates. Stacking and stacking them again. Going over the spoons in the drawer. Then moving to the towels that had to be refolded.

"Why did you sleep in the guest room?" Regina finally asked from where she sat next to the kitchen island

Emma paused what she was doing. Her mind froze over for a few seconds. "I just thought…that…I should."

"Didn't you want to sleep with me?" the brunette had long finished her bowl of oatmeal. Her voice wasn't quite level.

"I…did," the younger woman slowly turned around, and their eyes met. "I mean…I just thought that you wouldn't want me to be so close to you…so soon."

"Did I…say that to you?" Regina blinked. Both her hands were folded upon the surface of the island.

"No," Emma said quickly. She shook her head. "Well, I…"

"You…thought…" the older woman croaked. "For both of us. You…assumed I didn't want you there with me. So you left."

"I'm sorry?" the blonde tried, offering a sheepish look, "…about that?"

"I'd like if you stopped thinking about what I would want or what I would say and I would like you to actually start to engage me instead on these things," Regina tried to be firm, but her voice didn't reflect that.

"Okay," Emma nodded, feeling her throat tighten. She didn't understand why this conversation felt somewhat colder than expected.

Turning back to the heap of towels, she resumed folding them, all the while feeling her chest prickle from being on the brink of crying.

My god, she thought to herself, why was I suddenly becoming so sensitive to every damn thing she has to tell me? How could I easily cry now when I used to hold it together?

Emma tried to breathe. She swallowed hard. And all the while, she could feel Regina's eyes on her. It wasn't a nice feeling to know that at the very beginning, there was that trace of disappointment in Regina's tone. Trying to do what was best. That's what the blonde had done.

Snow had been right. Her mother was always right on these things and she should have followed her advice. Now there was this tension between them, something that had eased away a little since last night and Emma couldn't bring herself to understand it. Not when the last two days had been nothing but lacking in conversation between them.

"I'm going to sit out back for a while," she managed to say, deciding that cooling off away from the brunette would be best.

Pushing the towels into their spot, Emma inhaled deeply and she turned around without making eye contact. She headed to the door, all the while feeling as if at some point, her tears would come from being so frustrated over all of this and there was no way those tears would stop.

"Emma," Regina croaked, and she slowly eased herself off of the stool whilst the blonde reached the threshold, "wait."

Nothing could stop her really. Frustration was like a ball of chaos that grew and expanded and could reach a threatening point where it would explode. All of this, she was trying to do her best and having so much patience. Wouldn't someone else had done the same thing by sleeping in the guest room?

Why was Regina making such a big deal out of it? Why did she use that tone on her? Why in the world was she, Emma, heading outside with so much tension building up around her temples?

She settled herself on the wooden bench painted black under one of the apple trees, noting how a few leaves drifted down and those emerald eyes fluttered close. Feeling the distance between them narrowing. Knowing that whatever happened, Regina was always the one who came after her without fearing anything.

"Emma," the brunette croaked from behind.

The younger woman sighed. "You shouldn't be out here."

"Well…I'm out here," Regina rushed out in one breath. "I'll go wherever you go."

"Don't do that," the blonde said, her lips quivering.

A few seconds of silence elapsed between them. The leaves rustled a lot more as the morning wind picked up speed.

"I'm sorry if I sounded too harsh back in the kitchen," Regina said softly. "I didn't mean to be like that. I'm just really unsettled."

"Then you shouldn't be out here," Emma said, keeping her back to the brunette.

"So you know what's best for me now after almost six years of being completely blind to my feelings." The older woman's tone was harsh.

Emma inhaled deeply. She wasn't going to do this. Not now. "I'll pretend that you didn't say that to me," she said hoarsely. "Before you say anything else that makes me feel shitty, maybe you should just go back inside and get some rest."

"I'm not going to go back inside," Regina whined, and she went towards the blonde, then lowered herself onto the bench. "I want to be with you. Don't you understand that?"

Emma tried to take deep breaths. Her eyes remained closed. "I'm really trying my best here," she smiled but her lips quivered still. "I really am. I'm trying to do what's right and I'm trying to make up for almost six years…as you've said. And around every corner, it seems as if you just want to constantly remind me that I fucked up. I don't know how I'm supposed to make this work if you're going to see me as someone who's trying to hurt you. Because I don't want to hurt you. I never did."

More silence between them. So much more. Until she couldn't stand it anymore and Emma got up from that bench that felt crowded all of a sudden. Her footsteps led some way off and even the sounds of nature couldn't allow a frustrated mind to ease away the stress from it.

Wherever she went, the other woman was bound to follow, or so it seemed. For as she stood there trying to gather herself together, Emma suddenly felt Regina's arms wrapping around her waist from behind. Warm arms. Arms that felt so soothing and comforting. She sunk into that feeling and could literally feel all the tension drifting away.

Even as they remained that way for some time, all Emma thought was that she wanted them to stay like that forever. No more fights. No more harsh words. But just the nearness that provided enough clarity on how connected they were.

"I don't mean to be so harsh with you," Regina pressed her lips onto the other woman's ear and the mere sound of her voice curled the blonde's toes in her boots. "Maybe it's all this pent up frustration inside."

"Both of us," Emma whispered, feeling a tear slip down her cheek.

The brunette pressed a soft kiss that lingered on the blonde's neck, just where tendrils curled up and smelled like watermelons. She seemed to be completely savouring the moment, and hoping that it wouldn't end. Until the younger woman sighed, entwined their fingers and slowly but surely, she began to lead them back into the looming mansion.

Regina pouted, her skin still paler than usual and for the first time, Emma noted how she had lost some weight. The hospital food hadn't been any good, according to Snow. The older woman during her stay didn't seem to have an appetite. And juices plus the IV drip only provided so much for one's body.

Later on in the day, it was some time before either of them managed to become tangled up in an engaging conversation. The hours moved by so fast. But the one moment that seemed to drag by deliciously was the time they both spent during Regina's soak in the tub.

The warm aroma of vanilla remained captured in the tiled space whilst the younger woman took a comfortable seat behind the older woman on the lip of the tub.

Of course she hadn't meant to be present at all, but upon hearing the brunette's pleas for her keeping company, Emma complied.

She found herself grabbing the bottle of shampoo and flipping up the cover. They weren't talking at that moment. But just enjoying each other's company when Emma began to lather the older woman's dark tendrils and Regina immediately allowed a low moan to escape from within her. Leaning back and sinking lower into the tub, those brown eyes fluttered whilst Emma's fingers gently massaged her scalp, paying special attention to around the brunette's temples.

"So…yes?" Regina's voice had grown huskier.

From where the blonde sat, she couldn't quite scrutinize the older woman's facial expression. "Dunno," Emma said, allowing her fingertips to wander just behind the brunette's ears. "Maybe WhatsApp wasn't such a good idea, you know?"

"Mmmhmm…"

"We could have talked…face to face."

Regina's chest heaved. She was completely naked, but the suds covered most of her body. Emerald eyes kept drawing to just where those honey coloured legs were kinked, the older woman's knees rising above the water and she couldn't deny the growing flush around her neck. The need to see more. To know more.

"You could have come to me. Talked to me. Said something."

"I was…afraid."

Emma couldn't believe that. "You? Afraid? Of me? Come on."

Regina sighed. She allowed her right foot to slowly rise out of the suds. The blonde admired those small, cute toes as they caressed the lip of the tub. She swallowed hard and blinked fast when the brunette's inner right thigh was slowly revealed.

"I mean," she was finding it so hard to breathe all of a sudden and her constant, but gentle massaging therapy into the older woman's scalp had obviously slowed down. "You're my…hope. Someone I really like."

"Like…" Regina croaked.

"No, I mean," Emma shook away her distracted thoughts, "of course I love everything about you. But in terms of when we were friends –"

"We were never friends," the brunette stated. "We initially were enemies. Then frenemies, as Henry oftentimes labelled us as. Then we moved right into sexual tension and jealousy and obvious flirting…"

"I…flirted with you?" the blonde was staring at the tiled wall in front of the tub.

"You led me on, Emma. We never used to ever touch," Regina said. "And then all of a sudden, you started touching me constantly. Rubbing my back. Squeezing my arm. Brushing our fingers. Playing with my hair…"

She was staring again, emerald eyes widening after realizing that indeed her gestures had changed.

"Let's not exclude smoothie Sundays," the brunette said.

Emma wanted to ask why the older woman's voice had suddenly grown even huskier. But she didn't. "Smoothie Sundays were the best thing that ever happened between us. I don't think anyone else knows about that. Not even Henry."

"I highly favoured it," Regina lifted her face a little as the blonde used the detachable shower head to rinse away the suds from her forehead. "I looked forward to Sundays because it meant spending time with you. Listening to your side of everything we had gone through. Just the two of us discussing our ideas. Our approaches on things."

"We make a pretty good pair," Emma noted, combing her fingers through dark tendrils as the older woman leaned back and the swell of her breasts slowly could be seen.

"Stop staring," the brunette said and smirked.

"I'm…not."

"If you wish to see me naked, Emma, all of me," Regina purred, "then all you have to do is ask nicely."

As if it was going to be that easy. Then again, she could be wrong.

"But no touching," the older woman added and a hoarse chuckle escaped from between her lips.

"I'd like to…kiss you first," Emma found herself blurting out. Until the words floated between them, then she decided to swallow her embarrassment.

"Where?" Regina croaked. Her fingers gripped the lip of the tub and she settled her head of dark hair onto the other woman's faded blue jeans.

"What do you mean…where?" the blonde whispered. Holy shit. The images that slowly began to form within her mind weren't exactly innocently conjured up.

"I've been quite aware of where your gaze has been lingering, Emma," Regina suddenly said, a pleasing smirk upon her lips. "Should I spell it out for you? Because I can."

"Jesus," Emma's chest heaved and the shower head almost slipped from her grasp. "Only yesterday we weren't even talking. And now you totally want to be R rated with me."

Regina sank lower into the tub and the water covered most of her. "I want you to make love to me, Emma." She was breathing through her lips; the raspy sounds absolutely curling the other woman's toes. "Until I scream your name over and over again. Can you do that?"

"Regina…" The blonde croaked. She couldn't breathe. How on earth had things escalated so quickly to a point where she seemed to be slipping off the brink of sanity?

Why was she doing this?

Why the hell was she moving so fast?

Emma sat there and was so confused.

"Take off your clothes and get in with me," the older woman's words created bubbles upon the water as she sank lower.

Emma was rooted to the spot. Somehow, her limbs wouldn't react. Somehow, she was frozen. She was unresponsive. Emma fought as much as she could against her mind and could literally feel her heart hammering away.

They were moving too goddamn fast.

This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. Not when they had crashed. They needed time to heal, at least. To talk to each other. To get things out in the open. The wound was still fresh.

"I…can't," she found herself saying out loud.

"Why?" Regina sounded slightly disappointed.

The blonde swallowed hard. "Because I…" she could feel herself growing so nervous from that request alone, even after a few second had passed. "I just can't."

More time rested between them.

Then suddenly, Regina slowly submerged herself into the depths of the soapy water that was faintly coloured pink. Emerald eyes captured that move and allowed it. Because the other woman found herself deeply concerned about how she had reacted. How her body reacted as much to suggest that she wanted so much more, that she wanted to comply but yet, she had grown so nervous.

Then when almost a minute passed by and the brunette did not emerge from the water, she stared back and waited.

"Regina?" her voice trembled a bit.

Emma reached out and sunk her fingertips into the tub, immediately feeling the tangled mass of dark, silky hair.

"Hey, come up now," she said, her forehead creasing in concern. "Regina." She scratched the older woman's scalp beneath the water and waited.

Still nothing.

Adrenaline suddenly kicked in and within the split of a second, Emma sprang into action. Fear twisted around her stomach so tightly, she couldn't breathe as her hands dove into the water and captured the older woman's shoulders beneath.

"Regina!" she cried hoarsely, yanking the brunette up as tears clouded her eyes.

Then just like that, without warning, the older woman wrapped her fingers around the blonde's arms and she tugged her.

Emma fell into the tub with a splash that erupted into a wave of soapy water. Water gushed over the edge and foamed onto the floor and the blonde sputtered, falling onto the brunette who was laughing hoarsely. She was soaked through immediately. And she was pissed. So pissed, Emma began to cry, falling into the other woman's embrace at first and then weakly trying to fight her way out of those comforting arms.

It wasn't funny. It terrified her so much.

"How could you do that to me?" she cried hoarsely, sitting on the other woman's thighs, tears mixed with water upon her face.

Regina had been laughing. But when she noted how traumatized Emma appeared, her demeanor changed entirely into a look of guilt.

"You just don't make jokes like that!" the blonde captured the lip of the tub and pushed herself up. "What the hell's wrong with you?" she was so hoarse, her lips quivered. And stepping out of the water, she shielded her face with splayed fingers and strode out of the bathroom.

"Emma, wait!"

But she didn't.

The blonde rushed into the guest room and she pushed the door close, tears still streaming down her face. Ripping at her shirt, she almost tore the buttons away from the fabric. Her jeans were peeled off. She batted at her eyes, and felt terrible. Felt so raw. Until her towel was snatched and she angrily began to dab at the damp spots on her skin.

"Emma," Regina knocked on the door, worry laced in her tone.

The blonde glared at the window in front of her and suddenly wanted to leap through it and run as fast as she could. Away from all of it. Away from a woman who obviously found whatever she had done as something funny.

"Emma," the brunette's voice trembled a bit, "I'm sorry! She hammered at the door. Still kept knocking. The doorknob was tried. It rattled. "Oh god," Regina whispered. But the house was so quiet, her words were heard through the wood.

Staying in the room, Emma decided to use the small bathroom attached to it.

**x**


	5. Unfolding

The next day, after Emma had safely deposited Regina into Archie's office, bundled up in a brown trench coat, she retreated to the Sheriff's station to get some paperwork done. It wasn't expected of her to check in since she was using up her vacation time. But trying to file some work away would serve as a kind of routine distraction to ease away the frustration.

"I…I feel as if you would have wanted to take a different approach," Archie was saying, with his yellow notepad resting on one knee. "But at the time, the best way you could find to express yourself was by avoiding a face to face exchange of words. It's not unnatural."

"She said it would have been better if we talked face to face," Regina said, her voice quite hoarse and those brown eyes blinking slowly. She seemed to have been a bit tense initially from having this meeting. But then his words eventually eased her into a relaxed attitude.

He understood what she had said. Archie nodded. "Let's not talk about her for now. Let's talk about you."

She hugged herself. Regina nodded.

When she said nothing in response but merely focused her stare upon the window with the slowly flapping yellow blinds, Archie clicked his ballpoint pen once.

Those brown eyes blinked after that click.

"I want you to stay with me," he reminded her. "In this room. I don't want your mind to wander. Is that okay?"

She sighed. "I just want to go home."

"I know that," he nodded, his tone obviously soft at all times. "This will be over in no time. You'll see."

The only sound apart from the light humming of the A.C unit was the distant rumbling of vehicles passing by. Archie had relocated his office to another apartment building away from the Main Street, simply because he found that even the simplest distraction could hinder someone's session.

"Where is your mind wandering to?" he asked softly, assessing her faraway look.

The sigh she let drift from her lips only suggested so much weight resting on a heavy heart. "Her," Regina admitted.

"I can tell that she seems to be overwhelming your thoughts," he smiled barely. The ballpoint pen moved across the notepad for an inch and then stopped. "Anything in particular that brings her to mind at the moment?"

Regina swallowed hard. She continued to scratch away at the red nail polish on her thumb. "She's always on my mind. She's like a disease."

"But diseases bring on sickness," he reminded her, frowning a little and leaning forward. "Do you feel as if you've used that description correctly?"

The brunette nodded once. "Yes."

"And…" he studied her face. "You feel as if she's making you sick…somewhat."

"She made me sick," Regina inclined her head, suddenly appearing softer in demeanor than usual. "I'm not the same anymore."

A few seconds of silence elapsed between them. Archie blinked. "All the time, we're changing. Regina, we…change every single day. We…evolve and we become stronger. It doesn't mean that that change is something bad."

"Yes but she…" the brunette began in a rush, lifting her hands to gesture. But then she lowered them and sighed. Regina shook her head. "I feel as if she killed me inside and when someone makes you feel that way, that person is not supposed to be something good."

Shifting in his position, Archie made notes silently. "Regina, are you still in love with Emma?"

The A.C unit hummed. Brown eyes fixated on him and stayed there. She didn't blink. She merely considered his scribbling on the notepad and swallowed hard.

Regina's chest heaved. "Yes," she admitted hoarsely.

"Then why would you feel as if Emma is someone…bad?"

"I didn't say that." The brunette seemed offended.

"You did." He avoided eye contact, pretending to write. But Archie had a few tricks up his sleeve after being in that area of work for a very long time. "You said that she affected you deeply inside, therefore she is not supposed to be someone good enough."

"What I said," Regina's eyes flared a bit, "is that she bruised me inside so much that I felt as if…" and suddenly she stopped. Those brown orbs widened a little. Remarkable, it was, to note how she seemed to freeze up.

"You…feel," Archie continued, barely peering at her over his glasses, "that she is someone who is supposed to be labelled as…someone bad."

The brunette slowly flexed pale fingers upon her lap, and stared at them. "I don't understand."

"Oftentimes we attach a feeling to a person," he began in a softer tone. "We…are affected by the actions of someone so we tend to abruptly disagree with the entire character of that individual. Let me give you an example you will certainly feel familiar with. Your relationship with Snow." Their eyes met and he smiled a little. "We can both admit that what she did had been horrible for many years. But you both moved to a point where you realized that her personality and who she is, can surely overweigh whatever was done. She's become your best friend because of who she is. Not because of what she's done. In fact, she has done so much good that outweighs that one terrible act. Are you following?"

Barely, Regina nodded. Her eyes glistened.

"From the moment you met Emma," he continued, leaning forward a little, "you didn't like her. We all noticed that. You two were…such an overwhelming duet in town, you seemed to never get along. But then…remarkable as it is…you grew to accept each other. Regina, you managed to become so much closer to Emma, because you began to understand her. What she likes. What she doesn't like. I want you to try to remember something about her personality that stood out and still does. Can you do that?"

Regina hugged herself again. She blinked at the window and bit her lips. The red long sleeved sweater she had on was bunched up around her wrists. It was Emma's sweater. And that morning, she had thought that slipping into that particular article of clothing would somehow make the blonde forgive her for what had happened the day before.

"How she fights for the ones she love," Regina croaked. Her fingers captured the end of the sweater. She lightly twisted it.

"She constantly does that," he said.

The brunette nodded.

"Which means that she also fights for you."

"She does," Regina said just after that. She smiled a little. "Too many times to remember."

"And when Emma fights for you," he said softly, "doesn't that mean that she loves you too?"

She nodded once. Her gaze rested on him now but she was drifting from the room again.

"How does that make you feel, Regina?" Archie asked, writing on his notepad. "Knowing she fights for you and she would always fight for you because she loves you."

"Special," she said softly.

"Isn't that…something good?" he asked, peering at her through his glasses with a little smile. "That she makes you feel special?"

"Yes," her lips quivered as she tried to smile.

He also did. They were making progress at last. "And how Emma reacted when she found out that you're in love with her," Archie began, shifting into a deeper area. "She didn't run. She didn't show any kind of disapproval. Can you tell me what she did?"

"She…came to me," Regina said in a small voice. A tear leaked down her cheek. "She dropped whatever she was doing and she ran to me. She was there. By my bedside for so many hours. She talked to me when I was passed out. She held my…hand."

"She also ended her engagement with Killian the very next day. Just a few hours after you felt like you wanted to give up," he said, keeping a close eye on her facial expression. "Just imagine if you had talked to her about how you feel. Just a few hours earlier."

"But I couldn't…talk to her," Regina's voice had taken on a hoarser quality. Her forehead creased.

"Why couldn't you?" Archie studied her intently now.

The brunette sighed. She began to scratch the nail polish from her thumb again. "She was busy taking strolls with him. They were…bonding. She chose to be with him…her fiancé. Instead of…me. I saw them. I saw how she was nestled in his embrace. Therefore, how could she even claim now that she's forsaken him? When I saw it all." Her voice was rising. Her lips quivered. "When I saw how she was in love with him."

"Was…" he said in a gentle tone.

Regina stared at him. She was still worked up from venting. "What?" she croaked.

"You just said…you saw how she was in love with him," Archie approached the situation delicately. "You didn't use the present tense. Why?"

"Because…" Regina clenched her fists and unclenched them. Her fingers curled upon her lap. "I don't know. I don't understand what you're trying to do." She frowned at him. First we were talking about how I feel about her. And then we were talking about what I like about her. And now we're talking about him. I don't want to talk about him."

In fact, Archie noted that she was the one who slipped Killian into the conversation. But for him to have dwelled on that topic could have been avoided. However, he had to somehow touch on that bruise. Without causing any more damage.

To note that Regina was not comfortable about Killian really showed him that there was something there still. Something she hadn't gotten past. And he understood what it was. But he wouldn't touch on that until another session.

"We have to approach a place where we are certain that you wouldn't try to relapse again," Archie lightly wrote on his notepad.

"You mean the hospital and you," Regina stated.

"No," he lifted his eyes to meet hers. "I'm referring to Emma above everyone else in your life, because she deeply cares about you. I'm referring to Snow, David. Henry. And countless others who deeply admire your courage and your strength you have displayed to them. Then lastly, there's me and the hospital."

"Well I wouldn't do it again," Regina avoided eye contact. Her arms were folded.

"I know that," he kept his voice level and offered a smile although she wasn't focused on him. "Suicide is something we take seriously, Regina. It's not that we look at it as something that is only terrible. But also a way an individual expresses themselves when they believe that no one will listen. That is why, there is room now for you to talk to someone. For you to talk to me. To Snow. Even if you can't talk to Emma about this right now. There are things that you wouldn't want to tell me, believe me, Snow is open to anything you have to say to her. I've listed her as your counsellor buddy, which means that apart from me, she's willingly signed up to listen to you and also to work alongside me in helping you reach a place where you feel better than before."

She gazed at him with tears in her eyes, falling into a softer mood when Snow's acceptance on how she felt was noted.

"I will ask you a few questions now in your best interest, and I would like you to answer them truthfully. But when answering them, I would like you to try to start with 'I feel…' and go from there. Try to feel the answers, instead of thinking about the answer, Regina," Archie offered a little smile. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," she pressed sweaty palms upon her thighs and waited.

"Okay," he flipped the notepad to the third page and scribbled something.

She waited. Regina's chest heaved. "It's obvious you have already completed a list."

"I have," he noted without making eye contact.

"I'm not the first suicide case you've dealt with then…" her brown boot twisted sideways upon the carpet. Regina began to pinch the edge of the chair arm absentmindedly.

However, none of this went unnoticed by Archie. "Certainly not," he said, observing her without carefully scrutinizing with a direct gaze. "Okay, so…tell me, Regina, how do you feel physically right now? Is there pain anywhere? Are there headaches? Migraines?"

She took some time to think about it. "I feel…achy all over. The last two mornings, I couldn't get up because my body has been aching. Especially my heart."

Their eyes met. He noted the tears still evident and frowned. "People actually believe that heartache is superficial when it isn't."

She smiled weakly. "It's as real as ever. Especially when I feel as if she's not truthfully in love with me and she's just tolerating me as a pity case."

He showed his bewilderment on that statement. "Regina, you couldn't be further from the truth. I don't know if you are aware, but Emma has been taking sessions with me as well. And I can attest to her feelings towards you being of the most genuine kind. Possibly, if I may add, she seems to be ashamed that she didn't notice this sooner."

"Notice what sooner?" Regina frowned.

"How she feels about you," he said smiling. "She was conflicted. It was always there but she didn't understand it. Of course she agreed that I could share everything she and I discussed with you. Now tell me, doesn't that show that Emma's a person who wants to hide nothing from you?"

When she nodded, he smiled.

"You're not a pity case, Regina," Archie noted. "You're what she calls…her happy ending. She said to me, that she made a promise to you. That she would help you find your happy ending?" he studied her face and seemed a little bit amused. "Well she believes that she has found it. And her happily ever after is with you."

Regina's lips trembled noticeably. Then the saddest display occurred. She crumbled. Regina immediately lifted shaky hands to shield her face, folding forward as tears overwhelmed her. Chest heaving, the brunette shuddered from trying to muffle her sobs, as she fell into a bout of crying.

It wasn't something she had ever fallen prey to. Displaying her emotions like that in front of anyone. But that was an absolute exception because of her lack of control in maintaining composure.

Archie waited, all the while he made notes of course and then when the brunette finally was able to relax again, he smiled a little.

"I'm sorry," Regina croaked, smiling back as well.

"No, no," Archie immediately said, "don't apologize. That's fine."

"It's just that…at the time when she had made that promise to me, I actually had looked at her and thought to myself that…wouldn't it be funny if she was that happy ending. I actually thought that." She seemed flustered, her cheeks colouring.

"Soul mates, you two," he mused. "Now let's get along with the questions because I want to complete this evaluation so we can make changes if the need arise."

"Okay," she nodded.

"How do you feel about Emma staying over with you?" Archie met her eyes, "would you rather Snow stayed with you instead?"

"Why?" she frowned. "Did Emma say that she doesn't want to stay with me?"

"Of course she didn't," Archie told the brunette. "What I'm trying to do is to have you tell me what you feel most comfortable with at this point.

"Oh," Regina hugged herself again and studied her lap. "Well, Snow would fuss around me too much. I like Emma's nurturing side. She's…gentle. Everything she has done over the past few days has shown me how ideal she is for a life partner…I am most comfortable."

"So someone is thinking about marriage already," Archie raised his eyebrows and smiled widely. "Amazing progress!"

"I don't want to seem desperate," Regina rolled her eyes. "But it's a place I go to when I feel raw inside. Envisioning our future together."

"It's healthy," he said, "to hope. Especially when the other person feels the same way."

Brown eyes widened. "She does?"

"When someone invests their time and energy in another person the way Emma does for you, I'd like to believe that she isn't thinking about a future without you in it. After all, every time she thinks about that moment when she could have lost you, Emma begins to cry. It's not that she only feels sad about it. But she also feels strongly connected to this belief that she caused it and she can't fix it. And you'll never forgive her."

"Well…" the brunette lowered her eyes. She swallowed. "She didn't cause any of this. I did. We're both at fault because we weren't brave enough to admit how we feel. I don't want her to feel as if she has to fix anything because she can't. I have to fix this."

"And have you forgiven her?" Archie asked.

"For what?"

He never diverted his eyes. "For the engagement…"

She stared at him without replying. Regina blinked and seemed uncomfortable again. "Can we move onto the next question?"

He considered her face and really noted how that topic revolving around Hook was quite a bothersome one. "Okay, okay that's fine. So…in regards to Henry. Do you feel as if you are up to seeing him more or would you like to give it some time? Being that you are trying to build up yourself again."

"I want to see him," she said, frowning. "But…"

He studied her face. "But…"

"Every day would be fine. I just don't want him to see me as someone who isn't strong enough to fight her own battles anymore."

"In your own time," Archie began, nodding at her, "you will explain everything to him and I bet that he will understand because he only wants the best for you. But for now, as you want, I'll have him try to see you every day when you're prepared to see him." He made some notes. "And the last question."

"Finally," she exhaled.

Archie laughed. "Can't wait to get out of here and take a nap, I guess?"

Her chest heaved. "I don't want a nap," Regina said. "I want to see Emma. I suddenly feel as if I've been such an idiot. And I need to apologize."

"Then the next question will be easy," Archie said. He clicked his pen. "How do you feel now?"

"I feel…better," Regina said smiling. "Knowing that my family cares about me. That Snow is willing to listen. And most of all, that Emma sees me as her happy ending."

Archie laughed. "I honestly expected that last one," he said whilst taking notes.

Regina smiled. "Well I didn't. I guess when we break and we fall and we crack into a million pieces, it's only then when we begin to realize how fragile we are. I said some terrible things. I did something I deeply regret now. I did something yesterday I am ashamed of. All the while I believed that I had to prove a point to her. To keep reminding her of what it would be like to lose me because I thought that she was lying to me about how she felt about me."

Archie was listening intently.

"But now, I just want to start loving her and showing her how much I do. Now that I know a little about how she feels as well."

"You see, this is really good, coming from you, Regina," Archie said, nodding in approval. "I am proud of you and your reaction to this. Instead of taking a defensive approach to the things I told you Emma disclosed to me, you didn't object. You believe every word. Which shows that you really and truly know to yourself already that she deeply cares about you. It's just a little doubt that settled in."

The session ended calmly, with her face lightly being caressed by the afternoon wind as she stepped outside into the open. Regina felt somewhat…at ease. She could just imagine the tension her pain had settled on the other woman. Even as the yellow bug rolled up, those brown eyes seemed a little more sparkly.

Emma reached over and pushed open the door. She was tense, anticipating how the session went and if there would be any changes.

Just as Regina climbed in and settled herself, emerald eyes were glued to her. This was it. The beginning. The blonde held her breath, studying the older woman's demeanor and observing the colour rising in those cheeks that had been paler before.

"How did it go?" Emma gripped the steering wheel and although she ached to caress the brunette's face, she didn't.

Regina, for the first time in a long time, turned to the blonde and gazed at her. It wasn't just a look that involved the signaling of a deep connection. But it was a look that suggested that something had changed between them. The older woman's chest heaved.

"It went well, Emma," she said in a voice that trembled a little. Regina offered a small smile. "I'm getting there. To…" she inclined her head, "…a comfortable place. And my comfortable place is with you."

Emma couldn't help it. She smiled. Tears filled her eyes.


	6. Serenity

The sessions continued on a regular basis. Two per week. Small slices in time that catered so much for her emotional adjustment into a relaxed demeanor.

The days came and went and after three weeks of the same routine day by day without either of them drawing nearer to each other in regards to intimacy, Regina began to realize that her mental state was returning to a new place. A place where all the paranoia slipped away and the haunted feelings of darkness looming over her drifted away. Not only that, but the little trips of anger that would seep into their connections when Emma spoke to her, all of it disappeared.

She was beginning to let go of her prior state of seeing things negatively. In dwelling on that terrible engagement as Archie eased the pain out of her heart from that touchy area. Even when she would have liked to remember how deeply that moment had terrorized her, the brunette detached herself from it all.

Yet, the need to drift nearer to Emma was eating away at her heart. Regina oftentimes wondered when the time would come. The distance between them on the couch as they binged on marathons would slowly poison her. Even though there was the understanding between them of taking things slow, the brunette still feared that perhaps Emma's loving words had been a phase.

Especially after Snow had explained a little more on how her daughter had viewed the near death experience. She had blamed herself easily without the slightest doubt. All through it, Emma never wanted to be the reason why Regina took that path. Never. Therefore, the same thought kept lingering within her mind, over and over again, that the blonde was holding on because she feared anything otherwise might trigger something.

For many nights, Regina remained awake in her bed rolling over that feeling. Wondering how she could have been so selfish in taking that path. Of course, at the time, she had wanted to be successful. Not to come up back for air and to live through the consequences of her actions. Not like this. Every single day she had to witness the worry inside those emerald eyes as Emma took it upon herself to make the best accommodations. As she went out of her way to make Regina comfortable.

It shouldn't have been this way.

Even though the brunette made her own attempts to think outside the box and to wow the younger woman, there were these little moments that still cut her deep inside.

She began to prepare dinner for them on every single night after that first session with Archie. The table for two was placed on the back porch where they could admire the stars as the scene was bathed in moonlight. When she had hoped that more conversation would come between them, instead the sound of cutlery filled the silence.

Regina began to leave the house a lot more than before after a week. Doing the shopping for groceries definitely eased a lot of stress away from the blonde, although Emma complained about it. But she somehow believed that in order to ever prove herself worthy again, something had to be done. Little things then big things.

"Talk to me," Snow urged with a straw clipped between her lips on a warm Sunday afternoon.

They each had a sundae to themselves.

Regina had finally decided to settle down and allow the two of them to elaborate on what had happened. It was long overdue.

"Thank…you."

Snow considered her with a frown. "You're welcome. But I didn't buy the sundae."

"I'm talking about you not passing judgment," Regina shook her head in disbelief. "Your choice to be my buddy mentor or whatever the title is."

"You're not doing that title any justice," the younger woman said. She sucked on her straw. "This is the first talk we've had since you tried to write yourself off the script. And I think that what you really need is a good scolding after what you've tried to do."

The older brunette sighed. "Scold me all you want," she accepted her fate.

"You had me," Snow said slowly. "You could have talked to me. You know that."

"Yes, but at the time," Regina was overwhelmed, "I felt as if there was no one there. No one to talk to who would understand. Don't look at me like that," she croaked. "After all we've been through, Snow, I thought that you would have been deeply judgmental on this."

"Considering that she's my daughter and all," Snow contributed without a smile. She sucked on her sundae straw and still Regina found this strange. That the other woman had chosen a straw instead of a spoon. She was entirely weird.

"Yes. I couldn't run to anyone. I felt pressed into a corner."

Snow studied her friend's face with narrowed eyes. "Regina, if you had killed yourself, then David and I would have searched the entire underworld for you, just so that we could kick your ass."

The older woman muffled a chuckle behind the back of her hand. Her dark hair lightly lifted from the wind.

"And believe me, Emma would have been there with us too. She doesn't take things with a light heart as much as you think. Especially with you. I'm proud to say that our daughter doesn't always make the right choices, in regards to Hook. But she always make the right choices when it comes to you."

Her eyes glistened with tears.

"But I never expected this though," Snow shook her head. "No way. Not in a million years."

"About me being in love with your daughter?" brown eyes widened. The older woman seemed impressed. "You can't imagine the ways I expected you to react to that conversation."

"I'm known to be quite understanding," Snow offered with the tilt of her head. "Look at how calmly I responded to Ruby and Dorothy."

"It's not the same," Regina groaned, running her fingers through short dark hair that she always took special time to style.

"Regina, I've seen you at your worst. Don't you ever forget that," Snow said softly, reaching across the table to take the older woman's hand into hers. "But never had I ever expected you to reach that point where you wanted to quit. You've taken far worst blows and you got right up back and fought on."

"Love always has had a funny way of screwing with me," Regina tried to smile. But her lips quivered.

"You must never allow someone to have that kind of power of you," Snow said in a calm tone. "Not when it comes to falling in love. Not ever. You come first. Put you first."

"And you're going to suddenly proclaim that you wouldn't do anything for David, even in regards to you being the ultimate sacrifice," the older woman stated, eyes glistening from tears.

Snow sighed. "Regina, I've been married to David for a long time now. You've only just begun."

"So my magnitude of what I feel falls short because of my lack of years?" Her bitter tone wasn't something that sparked a negative emotion in Snow. Regina noted that and instantly tried to calm herself down. "I'm…sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh with you."

"Gone in the wind," Snow waved it off. "I've seen how you two would sacrifice yourself for each other's safety. Especially with her. Emma is somehow prepared to die in any instance just to save you. And I've always wondered why. Friends seem to protect each other. But she's always had this funny way of having the highest belief in you."

Regina blinked slowly. She realized that her dark chocolate sundae was melting fast.

"How are the pills working out for you?" Snow changed the topic. "Are you sleeping well?"

The other woman fashioned up a scowl. "The only pill I need is Emma at this point."

Snow's wicked grin evidently grew wider. "So you two haven't rolled over in bed as yet?"

"Hey!" Regina was shocked. "Things…take…time."

Snow winked at her and then returned to her sundae; sucking on the straw. "How bad can it be? It's all about the hands, isn't it? I can just imagine the action. Beginning in the hall and then up the staircase. The trail of clothes –"

The other woman marveled at the wicked gleam in her companion's eyes. "And your daughter believes that you're innocent."

A month after that first session with Archie, as Emma walked through the door with her keys jingling, she stopped abruptly at the sight of Regina awaiting her. At first, those emerald eyes did a slow roam over the older woman's attire, drinking in the pair of black jeans with a comfortable free flowing pink blouse. The silver bangles around her wrist lightly jingled. The silver studs in either ear twinkled.

Regina slowly approached her, altogether weakening the blonde's knees further and she planted her hands upon the younger woman's hips. They remained like that, with inches between them and slowly but surely, Emma found herself drowning in the scent of apples and that fruity smell that reminded her of a candy she savoured in her childhood days.

"Would you like to…dance with me, Miss Emma Swan?" Regina purred, bravely resting their cheeks together as she wrapped the blonde into an embrace.

"There's no music," Emma lightly chuckled although she was losing her composure bit by bit. The feel of the other woman against her. The evident beating of another heart, along with hers. All of it was felt. Not forgetting the way Regina kept her close and stayed there.

"Oh but if you listen carefully," the brunette whispered upon a flushed cheek, "there certainly is some kind of music. Don't you hear it?"

"All I can hear is our hearts beating…really fast," Emma allowed her palms to travel slowly up the other woman's warm back. She could feel how Regina was on fire. Her soft skin was inviting to touch more.

"That's the music I'm hearing too," Regina's hands travelled up the other woman's neck and trailed pathways through soft blonde hair. She drew Emma's lips onto her heated neck, those brown eyes fluttering close. "Feel the music between us. Can you?" her voice trembled.

Emma was drowning fast. She nodded, her warm breath kissing honey coloured skin. The feeling was intoxicating. All of a sudden they were so close and she could only remember one time before when they had been. The one time they hugged. When Regina had been aware of her engagement after Zelena announced it to the room.

The muffled pain from recollecting that moment simply made her curl into the other woman so much more. Because she immediately felt the weight from her chest lifting off; of believing that everything had been her fault. Even after the countless times Regina had told her that she shouldn't think like that.

The kiss happened so slowly, her heart possibly fell silent when their lips met.

Gradually, easing their way towards that ultimate connection, both of them collapsed internally.

All Emma could feel was the warmth between them. The softness. The inevitable bliss that had been anticipated and had rolled in finally. Breaking her. Bringing her to fall to pieces and then having those tender arms that contained all her pieces together.

She was so overwhelmed, even as Regina kissed her back deeply, savouring every second and continually caressing the blonde's cheeks.

It wasn't supposed to be possible that they didn't sink to the floor from becoming so weak. From feeling the little sparks between them and evidently feeding on such passion building up between a moment. One that lasted for a long time with the two of them searching and finding every possible fire within their souls.

She was home.

Finally, she had been shown and had felt what it was like to fall into someone and have them cushion her. Tears slipped down Emma's cheek when she scooped the older woman into her arms and carried her blindly towards the living room. Even as she did, the kiss lasted between them, whilst Regina pressed her palms upon either side of the blonde's face. Keeping them together.

Undone.

It had always been a word and a feeling that she could never understand the weight behind. Until that afternoon when her mind screamed from reaching the edge and drifting off of it several times. Of giving up all her control and willingly opening every part of herself to the other woman.

Regina demonstrated the depth of her love for the blonde as she kissed between those soft, warm thighs and explored so much deeper. As she pushed forward and linked their fingers, moving in a slow rhythm that rode out waves of pleasure.

Emma was thrown into a world where she had gone under and didn't want to resurface. Literally, she was drowning in every possible meaning of the word love. Of being given every sense of the meaning.

When her world had been shaken enough, and she was lying on the couch with a needy brunette in her arms, the younger woman indeed felt as if she was home. The rise and fall of Regina's chest. The way she curled their fingers together and held them there. Studying them. The way she nuzzled her face into the blonde's neck and chuckled. All of it felt so right.

"You're amazing," Emma's voice still trembled from the aftermath of the older woman's expertise with her mouth.

"So are you," Regina croaked.

Strange. "I haven't done anything yet," the blonde noted. The red window blinds fluttered. The entire world was silent.

"Emma, you've done too much for me." Regina kept playing with their fingers entwined together.

"I wasn't talking about generally," the other woman confessed. She sighed. "I was kind of talking about what just happened."

The brunette chuckled. "Oh. Well in that case. You were amazing still."

"How?" she was curious, frowning a little as their eyes met.

Regina merely smirked. "Responding just the way I had dreamed of. Only difference is, in my dreams, I couldn't quite fashion up a realistic feel of you. Now I can."

"Glad to know that I could help," Emma smiled.

They both smiled at each other and remained silent for a while. The blonde reached for the remote but was tempted to refrain from turning on the flat screen. Perhaps they would become engrossed in a marathon. Maybe they could watch a movie. However, the dire need to merely remain there and savour each other's company was so pleasing.

She opted to avoid distractions.

Regina had been studying the other woman's internal battle with a smirk. Her fingers, upon discovering that the remote was pushed into the side of the chair, began to wander on the blonde's left arm. Slowly and teasing. She travelled them all the way up to Emma's neck and caressed the shell of the woman's ear.

"I like this place where we're at now," the younger woman said softly, turning those emerald eyes to meet brown ones. "You know, no fighting. No tension. Just…us two. In love. Making things work."

"And from here on, we will do whatever it takes to remain together," Regina promised on her behalf with a nod. She captured blonde tendrils between her fingers and continued the light caresses.

"Whatever it takes," Emma nodded.

"Until that day when you get down on your knee and propose to me," the brunette suggested with a smirk.

That was enough to allow the blonde to shift in her seat. By then, she was facing the other woman. "Why can't you propose? Why does it have to be me? You're the hopeless romantic. I'm so vanilla."

"Which is why…" Regina inclined her head with a little smile, "…you're most fitting to propose first."

"Oh so we're going to do this one after the other, right?"

"You mean…" The older woman wasn't sure.

"You get down on your knee and propose, then I get down on mine and do the same thing afterwards…" Emma noted how Regina chuckled and she rested a hand upon the brunette's lap. "No, listen. It makes sense. You get down there. And then I get down to meet your level. Shows equality in a relationship too. No one takes upper rank although at times you tend to play the boss role around here."

"I'm the mayor," Regina hoarsely whispered and she gestured at herself. "Not you. You're public service."

"The lower ranks, huh?" Emma was amused.

"Yes."

"Call me that," the blonde smirked now. Her gaze rested between the older woman's legs. "I don't mind going lower down on you."

They both laughed after that.

**The end! Did you enjoy it? The journey was short but it leaves room for speculation!**


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